Saturday, February 28, 2015
The Desperate and The Doormat.
Love is a beautiful emotion and falling in love is one of the most exciting things which can happen in any person’s life. But. As you give love make sure that you receive love too. If the love you are giving is being taken for granted and worse being completely unacknowledged and accepted as a matter of right, does that seem right to you? What do you do when the love you are sharing is not appreciated in the least and all you are left with is the feeling that you have been completely taken advantage of?
I would be the first one to argue that love is selfless and with true love you can keep on giving. But there is also the little matter of personal dignity and self pride (which is a far cry from ego). Everyone has a right to look into the mirror and feel proud of themselves for they alone know their own stories and struggles to reach where they are. But to have that struggle, that story, being sublimated to the wants of another person- all the time- and not just once or twice- then it becomes a matter for retrieving your persona from an uncaring recipient of all your love largess.
Three things define such relationships-
1. You are constantly playing second fiddle and putting your own happiness behind the other persons- merely because you have a big heart which is accommodating all their whims and fancies despite your personal dislikes,
2. Secondly you tend to take the longer view of the picture and don’t mind any immediate sacrifices as you feel at some point or other this will not matter and they will reciprocate in turn with time
3. And finally you spend all the time picking up their slack and making up credible excuses – to yourself – explaining the other persons unkind treatment of you- despite the longest rope you can possibly give them to realize their high handed dismissal of your legitimate concerns.
I agree that unconditional love is all about loving with all your heart unconditionally and without any expectations in return. But a relationship is not unconditional- it has its own set of rules and guides. Like every other human relationship, love too requires sympathy, empathy, respect and value for all the unconditional love you are pouring out there at the other person’s feet. If they don ‘give anything back then all your sacrifices are in vain as they prove themselves to be merely selfish in their pursuit of their own goals and it becomes crystal clear that they are in it for what they can get out of you and never ever change their behavior. Such parasitism is not love and clearly doesn't deserve the unconditional love we are talking about. Receiving unconditional love is just as important as giving it otherwise that beautiful gesture turns into disappointment, doubts and anger and most often sounds the death knell of the relationship.
The point about loving unconditionally is also doing the same for yourself- putting your needs and wants at par with your loved ones. If they deserve all the happiness they get from you- remember, you deserve no less. Your needs, wants and desires are as important as theirs and you can’t be used and abused for the sake of love. When you end up giving too much of yourself without the slightest reciprocity – you feel drained of everything important in your life and it’s as if you got the dementors kiss (the soul sucking one from harry potter?)
You can give and give and give but ultimately you have to stop somewhere and point out the obvious- that if you are a self respecting person- basic decency, courtesy and selfless are all required part of a relationship on both sides. You deserve to receive an equal part of the love and sacrifice you are putting out there for the other person- if they don’t reciprocate it shows their unkind nature and unsuitability for the kind of unconditional love we are talking about here.
I am not talking about keeping score here- it doesn't matter a damn if they reciprocate equally or not, but they do have to show some way to prove that they are not egocentric. Its normal- you cant help but notice that you are giving more and more and the are giving back less and less and that you are trying too hard to just keep it going despite their uncaring. Does this imply that you are the desperate one who will do anything just anything to keep it going rather than face the truth, confront them and explain to them what you want them to do about the things that hurt you?
So it becomes desperately necessary to reevaluate such a relationship, to put yourself first and stop being such a doormat. Remember it’s the desperate people who get walked all over. Those who love themselves and are self confident and realize that their own happiness comes second to none will take no BS- even if it’s from a loved one. In the end it boils down to this if you have the slightest iota of self pride and confidence in yourself it becomes the wisest course to walk out of relationships which suck everything you give and give back nothing in return. You, we, I, can do definitely better than such people, right friends?
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Marry a Girl
After reading through a couple dozen blog posts on who to marry- they typically go like Marry a Writer, Marry a Reader, Marry a Doctor, Marry a Lawyer and many, many variations of these thereof, I decided to write my own version of who to marry.
So here are the top 5 reasons of why you should marry a - Girl
1) Marry a Girl- because she is a….. Well…. face it, of the opposite sex and made just right for, hmmm, uhhh, the, well…. the… you know, sex?
2) Marry a Girl- because we all (all men) need someone who can read fifty shades of expressions from our faces when we are capable of showing only one fixed expression for all situations.
3) Marry a Girl – because we need someone to make plans for us in our lives other than the standard pop onto the sofa with a bag of potato chips and watch the match, the post match commentary, highlights of the match and reruns of old matches- plans we have for our standard days.
4) Marry a Girl- because they are the only creatures capable of breaking through our manly reserves and emotional dryness and making us shed tears unabashedly….
5) Marry a Girl- because they are all sweet and cuddly and chocolaty and make our lives all bright and happy.
So, who needs any more labels than this?
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Facebook Told Me So…..
So there I was on Valentines Day this year, yet again #Forever Alone as the internet meme goes and wondering where I went wrong with my life to be so. And despite reading all those advice columns from dating sites shared on my timeline (Facebook and Twitter) by my ever so gracious friends (mostly singles too) the only conclusion I came to was, I am weak in my GAME- there was a glaring error somewhere on my playbook, you know, the one they refer to as the bible of the relationship game. Now, one of the most recurring themes on loneliness and relationships which dating sites talk about is fear of commitment- about how singles, especially men, are too scared and commitment phobic and hang back when it comes to making it official. Me, on the other hand have always been the opposite.
One date which has me swooning and there I am on the second date with a song on my lips, a ring in my pocket and an offer to update my Facebook status as “in a relationship with”. And the end result is – the girl runs off screaming at the very sight of me. I know I should, but I just cant control the excessive outpouring of emotions which come with every new relationship- I reason it to be a natural outcome of my happiness. And naturally all those commitment phobic girls, ok I am exaggerating, normal girls who would like to get to know a person better before they commit, sprint like Usain Bolt, at the very sight of “romantic” me.
So this means that my relationships revolve around awesome first dates and then, yeah, only that. So that makes me the real life Indian version (Adam Sandler equivalent) of fifty first dates or the guy who never goes on second dates. Which realization at this late stage has brought me to this new resolution of mine- of biting my tongue and holding back from committing and playing hard to get from now on. Before you start throwing things at me let me assure you that all this “oh I am such a great catch that I am so hard to get” pose is just that- a pose- its not the real me- but a change in my game plan to finally snare the one, ahh ok, the next one.
And if and when, after an year or two of dating, she finally gets around to asking me “what took you so long to make up your mind?” I am going to reply “honey, I was ready to propose the next minute after I met you- but wiser persons than me on Facebook told me not to” and I hope she buys it….